Have you ever braced yourself as your loved one came home after a night of drinking wondering if they were going to start a fight? Or, can you not rest until your partner feels happy again? Better yet, is it difficult to enjoy your good news when your sibling is having a bad day, therefore, you are also inclined to be upset and table your own excitement? If you answered yes to any of the aforementioned scenarios, you may have experienced some form of codependency.
Codependency, sometimes known as, “people-pleasing” is a way of putting your own thoughts, feelings, and ideas aside to cater to or become responsible for others around you. James Sack (2000) described codependency as a dysfunctional pattern of living in which one overreacts to things going on outside of oneself and under-reacts to what is going on inside oneself. Previously, codependency was commonly linked to the addiction treatment philosophy, as family members often acclimated to the needs of the individual struggling with addiction. This meant putting their own emotions and thoughts aside, becoming preoccupied with controlling their family member’s behavior (Sack, 2000). Of course, it may not feel like control to a codependent. Yet, taking on someone else’s responsibilities, altering your own actions to manipulate a particular mood from your loved one, or adapting to their worldview, is an unknowing attempt to control someone else’s mood.
Establishing Boundaries
Breaking free from the chokehold of codependency requires a deep understanding of our own personal boundaries, through the process of self-differentiation. This is the recognition of where our emotions, thoughts, and beliefs end, and where those of others begin. At first, this realization may seem daunting and unattainable, but with consistent effort, self-compassion, and grace, the journey becomes more manageable. Boundaries are integral to our overall well-being, and they can manifest in different forms, including mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries (Lerner, 2010).
Mental Boundaries:
One way to strengthen our mental boundaries is through journaling. With journaling, you are free-writing, and the first thoughts that come to mind are normally your own. When we spend time doubting our own perceptions following what others have told us, we are drifting towards the path of codependency. Journaling can help you establish a clear separation between our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, and those of others. Understanding your own perception of events guides you towards your independence.
Emotional Boundaries:
Now, for emotional boundaries, identify what emotion you are experiencing, right now. Where do you feel it in the body? What is this emotion telling you? Now accept, sit, and breathe through it. If needed, fulfill the need this emotion is trying to indicate you are missing. This daily practice assists with learning your own emotions. You have spent time being attentive and hypervigilant to the needs and emotions of others. By turning that skill inward, you are now being attentive to your own emotions and needs and then honoring those by maintaining separation between how you feel versus how others around you feel.
Physical Boundaries:
To strengthen your physical boundaries, become aware of your physical comfort zones as you continue to interact with people (Lerner, 2010). Determine how close you want to be to someone. Do you like hugs? Do you like to be touched during innocent conversation? Take every interaction with someone and listen to the comfort levels of your body. For example, your stomach may drop when someone brushes up against your backside or tries to kiss you on the first date. This physical response may indicate your discomfort level with certain touches and kisses on the first date. Therefore, a comfort level limitation may indicate receiving a hug with hands placed above your waist. Furthermore, it may require you to communicate, “I prefer not to kiss on the first date.”
Spiritual Boundaries:
Lastly, spiritual boundaries are another level of awareness. It is going to take some time and patience to build this boundary (Lerner, 2010). It’s best to begin with the other three and land here. Becoming spiritually sound, allows you to practice seeing yourself and others as humans with different ways of emoting and thinking. Your spiritual beliefs become your own in separateness. Others may have drilled these spiritual beliefs in you because they knew nothing else. Now, as you come into your own, you are able to develop a love and closeness with your spiritual beliefs on your own terms and that is a boundary within itself.
Conclusion
Identifying and embracing the unique parts of yourself is an important step in transitioning from codependency to interdependence with healthy boundaries. This journey can be challenging and requires patience and self-compassion, but it will allow you to reclaim your sense of self while cultivating fulfilling relationships.
